It sounds trite & cliche, but I’m going to use it anyway. Our lives are filled with sunshine & shadows. It hasn’t been more evident to me than in the past month.
If I sat and blogged every time I got the idea to, you guys would get sick & tired of all the posts and ramblings I wrote. 🙂 So I guess you can consider it somewhat of a blessing that I don’t get to blogging all the time that I think about it.
September has been a really difficult month for me personally. Starting with the fever and ending up in the hospital for a week, then having to have chemo when I still was feeling pretty rotten – that’s been a lot of my shadows. I also lost a great little friend this month – it’s hard to see a child pass away from cancer. All these different things really started me into a deep depression. I share this not for pity, but maybe to explain why I have been absent from a lot of things lately. If you have ever had a bout with depression, you can understand how it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel – or if there is, it’s because it’s an oncoming train! I’ve personally never had it like I’ve had it recently. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, and one of the biggest things I discussed with the Lord was my lack of joy. I have never been a person that couldn’t dig down & find just a little bit of joy or happiness inside until recently. (I’m really giving you a glimpse into my heart here – don’t misuse it! 🙂 ) Anyway, it’s been rough. Even as recently as last Tuesday (which happened to be Brandon’s funeral) I would say it has been one of the hardest days yet of my treatment cycles. I think the tipping point was the fact that I hadn’t been able to get the sleep I needed for multiple nights in a row. FINALLY on Tuesday night, after calling my doctor’s office and getting some more direction on what to take, I was able to get some sleep.
Because my body was finally able to get the rest that it needed, I have gotten to see some real SUNSHINE at the end of this month. Friday morning, I woke up and thought, “Oh my gosh, I feel FANTASTIC!” And I did! A friend came over & we did some digital scrapbooking lessons, and I went and got my nails done. I was a little shaky and knew I needed to take it easy, but just couldn’t resist going to the office and seeing all my Keller Williams family while I felt good. But this kind of good, I hadn’t felt in longer than I could remember. I was driving down the road and out loud, I said, “I’m smiling!” I hadn’t smiled in what seemed like forever. Well, that’s not quite true. Many of you saw me smile, but I’ll be honest, it was a “smile-because-you’re-supposed-to-so-they-don’t-feel-so-sorry-for-you” kind of smile. You know the kind – fake it till you make it? 🙂 Yeah, that was me – until this weekend.
On Saturday we got to spend a fun day at Sue & Pat Long’s house for the Keller Williams company picnic, and had amazingly beautiful weather! There was a fishing derby and delicious food and best of all people to visit with. Then later that evening, we went to Brownsville for our nephew’s birthday – Steen is 5 now! 🙂 The kids got to play with their cousins and we got to visit with family. I could feel the fatigue setting in, so we headed home a little earlier than we originally planned, but we had a great time. Unfortunately, I had a difficult time getting to sleep again last night – it was after 2:00am before I was able to doze off.
Today I let myself sleep and then we went to my mom & dad’s house for dinner in honor of my sister’s 37th birthday. We relaxed in the sunshine & breezes and also got some fun photo sessions in for kicks. Here’s a picture of my sister & I today:
I ended the day actually getting to PLAY on our “Grandpa’s Team” city league softball team. It was the last regular game of the season, and I had the energy to do it so I DID! It felt sooo good to be at least acting somewhat normal.
Life is good. God is good. These are things I have to remember. Another thing to remember is that on those “down” days (and they do/will happen) it’s not going to stay that way. You would have had a hard time convincing me of this a week ago, but I am so grateful to God for these precious 3 days that I have felt so good. Oh by the way, you all have permission to remind me of these facts, but I will never turn down a shoulder to cry on either. 🙂
Thank you for your friendships – they mean so much to me. I couldn’t get through this without God, my family (both blood & KW), and my friends. I am truly, TRULY blessed.
Now tomorrow is my second to last session of chemo, so I would definitely covet some prayers that it would go well. I know it’s gonna be rough again, and I’m not looking forward to it, but with God’s help, I will get through this victoriously!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13